a little romance with life

Tara. Agar tum saath ho. Tamasha. Heer toh badi sad hai. Heer.  Kuch hai iss movie mein. Something fantastical, something romantic beyond the real, a theatre. It is my go-to movie for sad, heartbroken days although a reason for my broken heart is Imtiaz Ali and his screwed-up notions of love. But kya gana hai, heer toh badi sad hai. Dil khush kar dene wala sad song. My soul song. The happiest song for a sad person. But aaj gungunate hue realize hua - it is Tara that I'm in love with. Ved is inessential. None of my dogs are named Ved (it's an important sign!). I love how she hums and dances and goes out for walks alone. I love the new year party she leaves to put on headphones and dance in the flowy white gown at home. I love how she sits at a cafe, pretending to read, waiting to meet the guy she's been looking for. I giggle at how she pretends to not notice him when he finally sees her. I love her smile when they finally go out on a real date. And I love, I lov...

When your best friend makes you feel small Draw a dot on a white sheet of paper And stick it on a white wall Download a countdown widget and give yourself 97 days before it stops hurting And every time it hurts Remind yourself how far you've come When your best friend makes excuses to cause you pain Expand your heart right up into a balloon And hand him a pin And every time he makes you feel small You make yourself big again When your best friend will no longer call Let the tears fall if you must cry Wait till your eyes run dry Expand your heart to full length again This time make it a wall

فاقہ  بھوکھ  میں سواد ہے انتظار کا بھوکھ کہتی ہے کچھ دیراور روک جاو  جیبھ بھیگنے دو ذرا پیٹ میں تھوڑی جگہ بنا دی جائے  ہر سیکنڈ کا مزا دوگنا ہو جایگا فاقہ بس بنا تیل کی گاڑی ہے جسے روکنا کی اجازت نہیں  Faaqa Bhookh mein swaad hai intezaar ka Bhookh kehti hai kuch der aur ruk jao Jeebh bheegne do zara PaeT mein thoDi jagah bana li jaaye Har second ka mazaa dugna ho jaega Faaqa bas Bina tael ki gaaDi hai Jise rukne ki ijazat nahin.

'Rage' aajkal one of my favorite words hai. Pehle gussa aaya, phir ' rage becomes her ' padhi, phir toh behadh gussa aaya, phir jaane kisi tarah usse redirect karke 2-3 poems likhi aur bhaagna shuru kar diya. I think it is symbolic of trying to run away. Iss se pehle aap mujhe kisi mahaan controlled productive insaan ka darjaa de, main bohot tooti bhi hoon iss gusse mein. Kabhi gussa aise paet mein baeth gaya, ki 6 din bhookh hee nahi lagi. Ek-do baar chhup ke smoke bhi kiya. Kabhi 'Mard ko Dard Nahi Hota' maafik ek dum mann kiya ki kaash aankhon mein laser hota. Dishoom, dishoom! (Pretty sure ki laser marne se aisa sound toh nahi aaega). Itna gussa hai na andar, kabhi kabhi samajh nahi aata iska kya karun. Meri therapist kehti hai I don't pay attention to how much it must be tiring my body. The artist in me really badly wanted to make a portrait of an angry woman but kasam se online itni caricaturish pictures hai na of angry women ki gussa bad...

Shabdon se ek aur shikayat hai meri. Waise toh kaafi logon se aur cheezon se kaafi shikayatein hai, but words mein ajeeb bandish hai. Humein rules mein phasaa diya hai. You have to be perfection, you can't be 'perfectness'. Aadmi handsome hee ho sakta hai, usse kabhi 'pretty' mat bulana. Kabhi pyaar se kisi ko 'beautifulest' bulaya toh blush ki jagah ek red pen se circle milta hai. Kyun bhai? Meri zubaan. Mere shabd. Mujhe inhe todne do, modne do, taaki jo main kehna chaahu, wo keh sakoon? Ab ek shabd hai Urdu mein - shaagird maane 'pupil'. The learner in me loved it. Tamanna thi ki kuch aisa word ho jo iss permanent state of being a learner, of being a pupil ko express kare toh humne isko bana diya 'shagirdagi'. Sahi kiya, galat kiya? Aaj ki poem, نہ-خدا  (na-khuda) meaning 'sailor' par. نہ-خدا  نہ-خدا سے محبّت نہ کرنا ان سے بس محبّت سیکھنا ان لہروں بادلوں پانیوں کے لئے قشتی میں بہتی کہانیوں کے لئے سفرکے لئے بس سیکھ ل...

You call women witches? Men have the magical ability To be absent even when they are,  technically,  there They can switch off Go to another city And pretend you don't exist Which,  as a witch, Sometimes I wish I didn't. Men can complain about disappearing Because the dal had too little salt And I I am fucking bleeding And I don't know how to leave.

Urdu ke saath rishta kuch ajeeb sa hai, jaise koi apna jise apna bulate hue paraya mehsoos hota ho. Aage padhiye, samjhati hoon kyun. Do baras pehle, ek June ya July kabhi maine Urdu script seekhi thi. Phir zindagi mein toofaan aaya aur maine khud ko apni teacher se door jaate dekha. Unki yaad mein maine Rekhtaa Foundation ke aamozish course ko shiddat se padha, aur koi check karne wale ke na hone ke ba-wajood, har roz Urdu mein apne kisi favorite gaane ke lyrics likhe. Kabhi Tamasha film ka ' Chali Kahani ' jiske lyrics aaj bhi kuch gehraai se mehsoos karate hai, toh kabhi Zohra Ji ki ' Mujhse Pehli Si Mohabbat ' ki recitation sun kar. Bas, likhti gayi. Aaj bhi kabhi kaam par task list Urdu mein banati hoon, toh kabhi masjid paar karte waqt koi na koi shabd padhne-pehchan-ne ki koshish karti hoon. Par dil khud se naaraaz hee rehta hai. Kehta hai, script toh seekh li, par shabd aate hai kya? Aate hai kya? Ishq Urdu ne sikhaya ki meri roz ki boli Urdu se bhari ...