a little romance with life

Ruk jao, theher jao, tham jao Let there be a vaccum all around Let the air be heavy with despair Let breathing become difficult Make the taste go away from food Take away the colors for a while Ya kuch nahi toh Thoda world ki lights ko hee dim kardo Rok do sab kuch thodi der ke liye Let us in this hollow Listen to the gunshots being fired In Kashmir, in Assam, in Jamia Take away the comfort  Of the hassle of every day life Of a dying world that pretends To continue breathing.

May the adult in you have the strength To be kind to the child inside May you find playgrounds in offices And chuddy buddies in bookstores May there be giant teddy bears  To hug you on bad days And may there always be food Hot flavorful soul filling food May you create under your blanket A room where you can cry and Get angry and be fucking unreasonable And may you find lovers  Who love feeding these silly requests I pray that you learn That you are enough You are enough You are enough.

Tara. Agar tum saath ho. Tamasha. Heer toh badi sad hai. Heer.  Kuch hai iss movie mein. Something fantastical, something romantic beyond the real, a theatre. It is my go-to movie for sad, heartbroken days although a reason for my broken heart is Imtiaz Ali and his screwed-up notions of love. But kya gana hai, heer toh badi sad hai. Dil khush kar dene wala sad song. My soul song. The happiest song for a sad person. But aaj gungunate hue realize hua - it is Tara that I'm in love with. Ved is inessential. None of my dogs are named Ved (it's an important sign!). I love how she hums and dances and goes out for walks alone. I love the new year party she leaves to put on headphones and dance in the flowy white gown at home. I love how she sits at a cafe, pretending to read, waiting to meet the guy she's been looking for. I giggle at how she pretends to not notice him when he finally sees her. I love her smile when they finally go out on a real date. And I love, I lov...

When your best friend makes you feel small Draw a dot on a white sheet of paper And stick it on a white wall Download a countdown widget and give yourself 97 days before it stops hurting And every time it hurts Remind yourself how far you've come When your best friend makes excuses to cause you pain Expand your heart right up into a balloon And hand him a pin And every time he makes you feel small You make yourself big again When your best friend will no longer call Let the tears fall if you must cry Wait till your eyes run dry Expand your heart to full length again This time make it a wall

فاقہ  بھوکھ  میں سواد ہے انتظار کا بھوکھ کہتی ہے کچھ دیراور روک جاو  جیبھ بھیگنے دو ذرا پیٹ میں تھوڑی جگہ بنا دی جائے  ہر سیکنڈ کا مزا دوگنا ہو جایگا فاقہ بس بنا تیل کی گاڑی ہے جسے روکنا کی اجازت نہیں  Faaqa Bhookh mein swaad hai intezaar ka Bhookh kehti hai kuch der aur ruk jao Jeebh bheegne do zara PaeT mein thoDi jagah bana li jaaye Har second ka mazaa dugna ho jaega Faaqa bas Bina tael ki gaaDi hai Jise rukne ki ijazat nahin.

'Rage' aajkal one of my favorite words hai. Pehle gussa aaya, phir ' rage becomes her ' padhi, phir toh behadh gussa aaya, phir jaane kisi tarah usse redirect karke 2-3 poems likhi aur bhaagna shuru kar diya. I think it is symbolic of trying to run away. Iss se pehle aap mujhe kisi mahaan controlled productive insaan ka darjaa de, main bohot tooti bhi hoon iss gusse mein. Kabhi gussa aise paet mein baeth gaya, ki 6 din bhookh hee nahi lagi. Ek-do baar chhup ke smoke bhi kiya. Kabhi 'Mard ko Dard Nahi Hota' maafik ek dum mann kiya ki kaash aankhon mein laser hota. Dishoom, dishoom! (Pretty sure ki laser marne se aisa sound toh nahi aaega). Itna gussa hai na andar, kabhi kabhi samajh nahi aata iska kya karun. Meri therapist kehti hai I don't pay attention to how much it must be tiring my body. The artist in me really badly wanted to make a portrait of an angry woman but kasam se online itni caricaturish pictures hai na of angry women ki gussa bad...

Shabdon se ek aur shikayat hai meri. Waise toh kaafi logon se aur cheezon se kaafi shikayatein hai, but words mein ajeeb bandish hai. Humein rules mein phasaa diya hai. You have to be perfection, you can't be 'perfectness'. Aadmi handsome hee ho sakta hai, usse kabhi 'pretty' mat bulana. Kabhi pyaar se kisi ko 'beautifulest' bulaya toh blush ki jagah ek red pen se circle milta hai. Kyun bhai? Meri zubaan. Mere shabd. Mujhe inhe todne do, modne do, taaki jo main kehna chaahu, wo keh sakoon? Ab ek shabd hai Urdu mein - shaagird maane 'pupil'. The learner in me loved it. Tamanna thi ki kuch aisa word ho jo iss permanent state of being a learner, of being a pupil ko express kare toh humne isko bana diya 'shagirdagi'. Sahi kiya, galat kiya? Aaj ki poem, نہ-خدا  (na-khuda) meaning 'sailor' par. نہ-خدا  نہ-خدا سے محبّت نہ کرنا ان سے بس محبّت سیکھنا ان لہروں بادلوں پانیوں کے لئے قشتی میں بہتی کہانیوں کے لئے سفرکے لئے بس سیکھ ل...

You call women witches? Men have the magical ability To be absent even when they are,  technically,  there They can switch off Go to another city And pretend you don't exist Which,  as a witch, Sometimes I wish I didn't. Men can complain about disappearing Because the dal had too little salt And I I am fucking bleeding And I don't know how to leave.

Urdu ke saath rishta kuch ajeeb sa hai, jaise koi apna jise apna bulate hue paraya mehsoos hota ho. Aage padhiye, samjhati hoon kyun. Do baras pehle, ek June ya July kabhi maine Urdu script seekhi thi. Phir zindagi mein toofaan aaya aur maine khud ko apni teacher se door jaate dekha. Unki yaad mein maine Rekhtaa Foundation ke aamozish course ko shiddat se padha, aur koi check karne wale ke na hone ke ba-wajood, har roz Urdu mein apne kisi favorite gaane ke lyrics likhe. Kabhi Tamasha film ka ' Chali Kahani ' jiske lyrics aaj bhi kuch gehraai se mehsoos karate hai, toh kabhi Zohra Ji ki ' Mujhse Pehli Si Mohabbat ' ki recitation sun kar. Bas, likhti gayi. Aaj bhi kabhi kaam par task list Urdu mein banati hoon, toh kabhi masjid paar karte waqt koi na koi shabd padhne-pehchan-ne ki koshish karti hoon. Par dil khud se naaraaz hee rehta hai. Kehta hai, script toh seekh li, par shabd aate hai kya? Aate hai kya? Ishq Urdu ne sikhaya ki meri roz ki boli Urdu se bhari ...

An Implosion There is silence, then I am no more, fragments of me Float in the body, is that why the heart hurts, the mind is Itchy, and the stomach is so full without lunch? Tell me dear world, where do I go to weep, to shout, to hurt Would you allow me to hurt at all? My revenge plan 1: silence. Stone cold noiselessness Revenge plan 2: shout at a brick wall, let the words lose meaning Revenge plan 3: to smile, and say you don’t matter Revenge plan 4: I want to slap you and stab you in the neck Revenge plan 5: I will fantasize about stabbing you Revenge plan 6: I weep, alone, into my pillow Revenge plan 7: take the allergy medicines to fall asleep Revenge plan 8: we’ll try mindfulness meditation to let it go Revenge plan 9: rationalize and empathize till you become him Revenge plan 10: maybe let’s give up on revenge Can we please be friends again? Day 97: I stab you in my dream I wake up smiling. The world is okay, I guess.

Four puppies and a cat away My horror dreams are about Piercings in my body being occupied by maggots Like my dream home being slowly chewed By termites who show more resilience Than the puppy who laughs and jumps Despite a punctured chest And a hollowed underarm Is this the fear?  Being empty Or being full  And slowly chiseled away By the parasites of life The anxiety bug that takes over my day The carved out outline of our relationship With no words left, no care to share The therapist is still a week too far The vet will be wet,  he needs a car It is raining in our home town My tears flood the house The maggots are winning Then tomorrow you'll be back I laugh and jump At your sight.

Is 10 AM a good time to be tired? You tell me, if 10 PM the previous day Was the right time for a sleeping Black and brown baby doggy To be run over by a car And if 7 30 AM was a good time For yoga, 8 30 AM for a bath, 9 AM to kiss your cat goodbye And 9 30 AM to see a the lifeless body Of a joyful puppy who was only now Starting to become friends with you. Is 10 AM a good time to be tired? Is 10 PM a good time to sleep When you have been driving the car since 6 AM in the morning, after all it is the wedding Of the employer’s daughter and there is Shagun to be gotten and mithai to be sent But the mithai is not for you to eat And the AC car, even though empty, Is not for you to sleep And how will you sleep tonight After the death of a little puppy That you wish you had seen. Why is 10 AM is a good time to be tired But 10 PM not a good time to sleep?